As an ex-student of literature and also as a literary enthusiast, words fascinate me. I always want to know what the words mean or what are the different synonyms the words have.
The meaning of the word expectation was sorely disappointing. The only meaning that I could get on board with is this one that I found on dictionary.com and here goes “an expectant mental attitude“.
To paraphrase, expectation is the mental attitude or anticipation of something. As human beings, we all have expectations. We anticipate, we presume, we hope for something.
When it comes to relationships let us ask this question. “What are expectations?” and “How do we manage expectations?”
You may ask why you aren’t allowed to expect. You are allowed.
But we must differentiate between realistic expectations and unrealistic expectations.
For example, if you read romance novels, you cannot expect your partner or spouse to emulate the fictional hero. The same way in life, we need to have realistic expectations. Don’t get us wrong. We are not saying don’t expect romance. Unrealistic expectations can lead to serious complications in a relationship. One partner is left baffled, puzzled, hurt and wondering what they did wrong while the other feels wronged and hurt.
Let me start with the one that we can all relate to. Mind reading.
We often assume that our partner or spouse should understand what is on our mind or what we are feeling. We need to be aware that our partners and spouses aren’t mind readers. They do not have a clue about what turmoil is bothering us but they do genuinely care. Communicating honestly and gently with one another is a way to resolve this expectation.
Before we become a couple, we are individuals. Remember this fact, it is the individual that you fell in love with.
When you expect the person to drastically change or act differently, you are preparing a recipe for disaster. Embrace the individuality and if you grow , it will happen together and in time. Do not try to change the person you fell in love with. Neither of you will be happy with the end result. This is how you manage the expectation.
Respect one another.
John & Rachel
On the same note, and keeping in mind that we are individuals who have come together, let us look at the next area of concern. Disagreement. Sometimes we ought to agree to disagree. Respect that each of you may feel differently about something or someone. Find a balance to deal with this. Honest conversation and respecting how your spouse or partner think and feel is important.
Playing the blame game. Remember when we point a finger at someone the other fingers are pointing right back at us. So do not look for who to blame. Accept when we are wrong or discuss the action that has been upsetting and discuss it maturely. It happens to the best of us. In a moment of conflict , we immediately find someone to blame. Let us remember that the conflict is momentary but the love is forever. Let us not scar it by playing the blame game. Reflect kindness and extend grace. End the conflict and move forward.
It is great if your partner and you have a lot of interests in common. But it is not always so. It is good to encourage one another to pursue interests that may differ. We sometimes feel that as couples or partners , we need to do everything together. That is not necessarily healthy and it can lead to a lot of conflict. Giving yourselves enough space helps in rejuvenation and you can come back stronger as a couple.
Codependency can be very painful for a relationship. If there are reasons why one partner or spouse feels this way, it is good to address this early in the relationship. It is okay to go for couple counseling. Interdependency on the other hand is good. Sharing responsibilities and tasks helps makes the bond get stronger.
Let us remove all expectations or atleast attempt to work on managing them at the earliest to come back stronger as the couple we always wanted to be.
Try a little Love & Respect!
Featured image by Dallas Reedy on Unsplash